tw: self harm but not really? and tmi probably but whatever fuck you
i’m not really trying to harm myself but it’s just happening. seriously I CANNOT STOP picking at my skin even though it stings and keeps bleeding and crusting. i keep becoming aware of it and then unaware and then suddenly i’m doing it. GODDAMNIT. i don’t know if you’d even call it dermatillomania because i mean, my skin is fucked already, and it itches, and i’m just making it worse. i don’t even know. does anyone know about these things? i shouldn’t have skipped therapy this week. at least i’m seeing a dermatologist next week.
i want to print off big black and white posters with words on them to post around the city that will make people feel something and react. i think i’ll be ready to do that soon.
i’ve also got about fifty other things i could and should be doing. a something that could be really tremendous but i don’t know if i’m ready for it, or it’s ready for me, or if it’s the right situation or the right time to seize the day. lots of other somethings and obligations. my mother is coming over to help me organize my room sunday? she sats feng shui is the reason why good things happened to me this week, because i cleaned out a corner of my room. i’ll take it.
the thing is, i can’t get my brain to slow down or even direct its attention. it just keeps going where it wants to, when it wants to - then staying there until it gets bored. i have no control over my neuroses that seek control. logic failing.